My wife doesn't like to be touched anymore. Menopause? What do I do? Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. 57mwm here. To some it may even taste nasty. Also shes happy without sex after her hysterectomy and gal bladder surgery. Here are some possible openings finesse one or more of these to fit your comfort and style: I strongly suggest that you see a sex therapist (find one in your location) or a sex-savvy counselor for guidance. I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. Shame on all you women who have men that are committed and loving to you!! My wife and I now both sleep with settled stomachs (and I dont wake hungry in the night). Same exact situation here its a living hell! Senior Planet subscribers also get The Weekly Orbit, our newsletter with features about personal finance, health and fitness, technology tips, an online book club and more! I respect your right to your opinion, but to say that an egalitarian relationship always ends in dysfunction & misery is unfounded and far from true. I would like to add that many women also feel a great deal of resentment which builds over time I had literally experienced everything you mentioned in your post and then I had a bilateral mastectomy and chemotherapy for breast cancer. Let the in-laws or best friend care for your children for a day or two. But wasnt it lovely when we were young and lithe and our bodies would do anything we asked of them? I sense for it to get all the way to her not wanting to be touched whatsoever at all anymore, something must have happened. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. I love him more than the day we were married many many years ago. In the room. My hubby is one happy camper. That may be one reasons why so many husbands. Counseling is usually the way out but unfortunately most people in a relationship dont want to go that route (or at least one of them doesnt). If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . That was pretty much the end of a normal sex life, He had a horrific childhood, beatings, a suicidal mother (she cut her wrists in front of her children), infidelity on both sides. I desire foreplay and intimacy, not just intercourse. So I explained this to her and said if she cannot work it out with me I would have to find some other way. Divorced quickly. I fear I will never know physically intimacy again in this marriage, I keep holding out hope, which is why I stay. It may not really mean anything bigger at all. accuse me of not loving her enough, if I had to cheat back. 5 minutes of his time now and again isnt much to ask! She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes. Men listen carefully If your wife stopped having sex with you after marriage she will NEVER regain that desire for you. Most importantly, a couple agrees that their marriage is built on a foundation of love and respect. See the New York Times story, Does a More Equal Marriage Equal Less Sex?. And lots of different health issues and life circumstances can affect your hormones, as can taking hormonal birth control (i.e., the pill). She is against the idea of therapy. It isnt about the phone or computer. I just dont understand. So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. If there is resentments in the home then it will not happen. Wtf do you think he has been doing. Many marriages have been ruin, husband are sad, desperate, when wives started to isolate themselves. Withholding sex as punishment is hostile you deserve better. It will only create more distance between you. If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. Because I am not attractive to her. He has an expectation of honesty and communication, perhaps, but only if he is providing the same for you. I became completely numb to anything. 69 years old and no sex together for over 20 years..I asked her if she ever gets horny anymore like when we were dating..she flatly stated no, and if thats a dealbreaker so be it. Been there, done that. Jack- SHe aint lost brother. I wouldnt even care if he watched or joined. Pls look this up to see if this is you. I was being shipped out to Vietnam and we both were afraid of losing eachother. So the thing I hate hearing but rings true is once in the no sex zone you are not coming back in to it. Thank you, Harry. His experiences have taught him that being an honest friend who communicates well and giving importance to self-love can go a long way in maintaining loving relationships. Addie My biggest problem is that my wife is very, very against porn and at my age I cannot attempt to relieve my tension without it as a point of focus. */ We went to a therapist who separated us and I thought that might help her confidence. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. Yeah. My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. If your wife avoids intimacy and this lack of intimacy is beginning to take a toll on your marital bliss, it is time to have an honest conversation with your spouse. The wife never initiates physical contact if shes unhappy with the strength of the relationship, says Gopa. What to do about it: Make sure your wife has some time to herself to relax and feel restored. I dont look my age at all! And its been going that way for years. I completely recovered and had to start my own business to share in the household expenses. I have tried to have a heartfelt conversation but he is not willing to talk about it. You know what I dont need to know the answer. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. Will: I was very disturbed to read your post. After being away for a month I lay there hoping to speak to to my wife and greet her in the morning after a long nights sleep. However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. Underlying medical problems Im leaving when I can stash away the cash. Or does it not matter what the man wants? We have had a fall out now and it is the elephant Quit excusing inexcusable behaviors by your partners. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. Unfortunately I dont, as it seems were merely friends but certainly not lovers! Thats whats even more hurtful. She knows this but never initiates. During our engagement I made it crystal clear that my sex drive was high & she was the perfect woman to relieve it. both my parents are senior. I miss the sex, but I miss even more holding her in my arms snuggling with her just touching her maybe copping a feel she sexy. So, I know my only option is accept this is my life from here on. Simply, and probably naively, the answer to your question is, NO, it is *not* my right, nor in any way acceptable. interested in sex as they grow older but I find that to be true of men as well at least in the case of my husband! I feel Im too old to do anything to cause me to have to be alone. Youre guessing that your wife might have vaginal atrophy, but you dont know. If his wife refuses to explore solutions he will need to tell her the following. But no cuddling, spooning, showers, surprise hugs or squeezes, in bed we may as well be cousins or brother and sister as we just sleep on our own side and no touches. A sexologist is not going to be able to overcome a lack or imbalance of hormones. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. Subscribe now (do it here) and dont miss a single column. Due to major health issues and aging, we just quit altogether. Both Men and women slow down there sex drive but women sex drive is so on the back burner and frankly they dont care about mens sex drive needs. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. My wife stop having sex with me its been 8 months. The question is, will we accept that fact, those facts, and act upon them in honorable fashion.? I didnt sign up for this garbage! She says she loves me but cant stand to touch me. No way! , checking in with yourself is also good. He has no desire. I say, screw your desire lol. She consulted with her doctor who recommended hormone treatment and her research on cancer had her rejecting that avenue. Share This: Have a question about relationships and sex for seniors? If that's true for your marriage, your wife may be holding onto some resentment over the imbalance. Send Joan your questions by emailingsexpert@seniorplanet.org. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. Now its too late. Even if you have something as small as a minor headache or you cut yourself while cooking, a loving wife will always be ready to pounce and get the first aid kit. But we didnt know what we had. I just dont get it. I gotta stop coming here and reading this. When I wanted to leave, the only family I had told me theyd not support me whatsoever and just shut up grow up and deal with it and Id better do whatever it took to keep the husband. This went on for years. Men with low sex drive try lifting free weights in a gym. I fail to see the point of continuing further. Just told her I wasnt going to follow all her B.S rule and moved out of the bedroom. Although i had told him beforehand that if it didnt change I would get it on the side. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! 8 reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy, 5 things to do if your wife never initiates intimacy, My wife never wants to have sex 8 ways to initiate intimacy, 15 Things A Woman Can Do to Spice Up the Bedroom, How to Have Better Sex in a Marriage: 20 Helpful Tips, 30+ Best Sex Tips for Women That Drive Men Crazy, 30 Hot Sex Games for Couples to Play Tonight, 10 Helpful Tips if Youre Tired of Initiating Intimacy, 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage, How Physical Relationship Before Marriage Affects Your Relationship, How Relationship Coaching for Men Can Transform Your Love, 30 Traditional and Modern Anniversary Gifts Year by Year, Relationship Bullying: Meaning, Signs and What to Do, 100 Romantic and Funny Questions to Ask Your Husband, Top 100 Wedding Registry Ideas That Can Make You Happy, 100+ Inspirational Womens Day Messages for Your Wife, 50 Fun Things For Couples To Do At Home When Bored, 100 Best International Womens Day Quotes for Your Lady, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, Sexless Marriage: Reasons, Effects & Tips To Deal With It, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. I went through marital counseling before the wedding. I understand the frustration, I have tried talking with my wife and have even said, if the problem was with me, I would be in a doctors office tomorrow! When we go out, all I see are happy couples who show affection and love. Fear Of The Wife How Real Is It For Modern Men? But I do it, why? Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? A husband must shoehorn that sex drive into the confines of marriage, where only his wife can accommodate it. If she isnt satisfied in bed, it could be that shes tired of initiating intimacy only to be left wanting. She will sit in bed on her phone though. . Dont worry about having sex for a long time. Lowered estrogen can also cause her libido to lag. My wife never initiates any form of Intimacy let alone Sex. We does not seeem to need to hug or cuddle either. She said that I can take care of myself in the shower and that is just fine with her. Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much. love him & my family and weve been married for 34 years & 5 years before that. I have always been an affectionate person and have given affection but not received in return for at least a year. This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. But you cant fix a problem if you dont know the cause. And I feel its unfair for me to try to fix something that Im the only one thats putting effort into. I hear you sister, I am only 52, husband is same age. I am 64 now and have had some vaginal atrophy, which made penetration hurt, but I take a vaginal pill twice a week. Marriage is a dream or a fantasy. Dont know what todo he wont talk about his 1. Am I ugly? You ever think about getting some on the side? Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. you probably love your husband, or at least the person he once was when you were first together. I so desired to be held, touched, kissed deeply and often, all the things that love should be about, but it wasnt to be. Ill say this, If you truely love your spouse and THEY need intimacy, find a way to make SOMETHING happen because you are killing them. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. When this happens I can not go back to sleep so my sleep is totally disrupted to the point of causing me to be unable to go about my day normally. We have had a lot of therapy through the years, but even after all this time I feel sexually numbed, completely disinterested and unable to respond.i still feel the need to be held by him and I love him so much, I felt so guilty. Women fall in love with their husbands have kids and having kids taking care of the kids 99.99% and working full time or taking some class to better your job. Wow. She didnt. But, do not sell yourself. 10 years of this and going on5 years since last try, dont sleep in same be, snoring medical issues up down. Bonnie, thank you for commenting. I agree, once they stop theres nothing thats going to get them interested or willing to do it again. A woman needs to hear that over and over again, or else she will think that you don't love her anymore (it's contrary to most men, who can be told a thing once and. NOw he works well and Im proud of him for that. Aiaia!Number, address, divorce papers signed and ready to go?DANG! Take care. Not many people enter their senior years wit an active sex life, some do, but not many. I wont lecture: youve all read about it. I have had a suspicious breast biopsy. Just as women receive and need emotional connection, men provide a different way of showing their connection to their woman. With so many of us in similar situations, it would be nice if we could just reshuffle the deck, at least in this one area. If theyve been fighting the whole day, physical intimacy is the last thing on their mind. Go be the cat lady then. Take stock of all the good things you still have in your relationship that you might not find again. She wanted me to be sexual with her, but would not reciprocate. But at this point I dont think her interest in sex will ever revive, so what would your advice be? He is unhappy with the state of your relationship. One of you simply wants sex more often than the other does. and hugs when one of us leaves the house. Unfortunately, Buck Necked is correct. 10 year sexless marriage. Id be interested to find out your age. In the meantime,, get naked and take care of your partners needs because as you can see on this strand, there are plenty of people out there who will! this.page.identifier = PAGE_IDENTIFIER; The only thing I have now is masturbation about 3 times a week. I work hard and have to masturbate sometimes to fall asleep. Her duty? If that is not possible, it may be too late. Sometimes, the answer to, My wife rejects me all the time and I dont know why, can be the simple fact that youre not taking care of yourself anymore. If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. Save yourself it is merely self preservation. Spend the same time you are researching and pursuing prostitutesworking out and looking healthier and bettering your relationship. After reading most of the above letters I have come to the conclusion that married couples, for the most part, have all entered into relationships, never having the correct training. I havent yet but I am going to find sex outside my home. But for women, its quite different. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. (d.head || d.body).appendChild(s); Gopa explains how it can be detrimental to your physical intimacy. My husband is 46 gringo! Join as many groups as you can, and leave him at home. She started the menopause change about 3 years ago, however sex prior to that was maybe every few months for probably 7 years. Im basically living a lie until the time is right for us to part ways. I domt have to put up with that. If you are not. I literally want sex daily and extremely sleep deprived because many nights I am rock hard all night long. Sexual intimacy is kissing, hugging, touching, petting, laying baked, masturbating one another, oral sex and that look of intensity that tells you that you are desired. No intimacy!!! They complain that the wife was open to sex anytime anywhere when they were dating but it all changed after kids were born. Women love that. This is so depressing!! Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning2 and overall interest in sex. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? But after putting off marriage until I was 40 it too became sexless right after the wedding. The more I got, the more I wanted. Over time, expressions of love change form and that unbridled passion can begin to dull down. I figured this was my life, deal with it and shut up. Ive always wanted sex more than she has, though the first years were pretty satisfying for both of us. If physical intimacy is missing and one partner is complaining about it, you know theres something going on. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. When you first met her you were in an OTHER zone. "Having small children is a frequent and legitimate excuse for not having sex.". A lot of people are martyrs when it comes to sex. If you guys love your wives and wanna stay till death and your having problems with containment, I lost all desire because I have no testosterone so its been a God send to me. When a wife who has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do the laundry, pick the kids up from school and take a couple of classes she is too tired to perform another task after all that she has done in one day. I ruled our marriage & family and still do. I own real estate property with my sister which provides some income. Thats abusive and hurtful too. I *must* woo my wife, always. I havent found a way to replace that feeling of a man. As we age, women and men need to feel desired and appealing to our partners. You should know the truth brother. Some get away with a happy one. She can also talk to her doctor to see what options are available to support her libido. I love him and still desire him (even though he lost his hair and gained a gut!!) Women don't always want to necessarily take care of their husbands, but when they love you, they do. Then if you still have to, decide. But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can improve your sex life tremendously. Its always whatever you want then she lays there kind of tense. Nothing is out of bounds! We have tried many times and many ways to lose weight, but his belly doesnt change much and hes passed his growing stage of life. Your wife has become conscious of her body, 8. We may as well sleep in separate beds at this point. They (we) act most often as though we men are not capable of rational/sentient thought. Just feel I want to hide away as I know this is not normal . Slept in basement for a few years until I built my own space that had an apartment and work shop. And cheating isnt an option either. We are starting to fight a lot and twice I heard him on the phone throwing me under the bus to someone. It took many years and visits to a lot of therapists to find out why I couldnt perform sexually with my wife during our 30 year marriage. Working with a therapist will help you learn to ask her how she prefers to be touched and help empower her to guide you. Figures, right? Ask if there is something you can do to make sex more enjoyable for her. I certainly feel your pain and utter frustration. Basically though, he refuses to talk about this issue with me or anyone else, namely a doctor/therapist, and claims he likes our life the way it is. I do not wish this upon anyone!!! Due to bi-polar, I have had a strong sex drive since I can remember. Also, expand your definition of sex. if you want to get married for children just understand that your wife will stop wanting to have sex with you after she gets her babies. We still talk, but thats it. Having married one of the well into that 34% is hell. It is very common for middle aged women to wind up being hypothyroid. Moving forward, the endless rejection led me to stop trying to initiate sex, because the repeated rejections is having an effect on my confidence and self esteem. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. This is really excellent advice. Yet she constantly professes love. Thats great but what about the man? I am a little older but want intimacy so bad. But, here we are with 13 grandchildren from the strong marriages of our 9 surviving children. Who risks? Semi handsome for an old guy. I am sorry I stayed, but life, illness, dementia parents and a son kept me in this sexless marriage. 24 years younger than I. Frankly, Im ready for a change of scene because this is like living with someone who it seems might be happier living off by himself. I dont know what to do! All I can say that my sexual desire was immediately and irreversibly shut off like a light switch. Men you just need to treat her like you used to treat her before you married her every day and she will keep treating you like she did before you married her. He feels unwanted or unappreciated. Couples counseling can help the two of you get back on track in your marriage and the bedroom. WFT. I appear to have some value to her as a friend, roommate, handyman, gardner, earner, companion, but not in any intimate way. Many of us could not conceive of divorcing because we have spent a lifetime waiting around to be shown once again that we are desired by the one person we have shared our lives with and still very much love. Why waste your money and time on hookerd? You may have become so engrossed in your work or friends that you just dont spend quality time with your wife. I just had to click on this to see how times have changed. And Ive been caught too. Here are some reasons that your wife might never initiate getting intimate with you in the bedroom. This is a huge problem, how can I live with someone who feels this way? I am talking about virtual reality and toys for Men like the flesh light, that can at least make the situation bearable. Communication will go a long way in improving your sex life. Take your time and show your wife youre not in a hurry. . It has been 5 very long years for me. When it gone, its gone. Its one thing to have trouble with arousal, or other sexual difficulties. Monica..give her satisfaction .. that is exactly what I would love to do for my wife of 30 years. This isnt one of those seasons things, she believing a lie from the devil to her, to destroy your marriage. I need to be held by a mature woman and caressed and brought to orgasm. I need to feel cherished, looked at and touched in a non-sexual way THEN when I feel loved and safe, I want to please my man. My wife weight has ballooned once the kids were born (25 years ago) And she has never wanted to lose it but just accept it. Hi Monica, You ladies need to get hip on new Sex Play & Sex Toys, My wife of 1yr,(she is 73) ( Im 77) We were having sex every nite & 3 times on weekendsand it all came to a STOP about a month ago. Wooing is a life-long endeavor. I happen to like the situation I created and I will never change it. If your wife is struggling with mental health concerns, anxiety, or depression that are not being handled professionally, gently encourage her to talk with someone about how shes feeling. See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. Richard C Our devastation has completely made intimacy and sex impossible. He had at least 9 different jobs, years of unemployment with me working overtime 12 hrs night shifts (RN here). He also has an enlarged prostate and his GP said that testosterone therapy could bring on cancer. Hes changing tooisnt capable of long walks or hikes anymore, which is still something I love to do. But connection and intimacy, and yes even sex, IS a need for many. I feel like Ive been through hell. If your wife doesnt feel confident about her physical appearance, she may have inadvertently shut down your sex life. He then sits and reads for hours on end. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). Our finances are so intermingled that to divorce means we cut our incomes in half facing either no sex or no home or food. messages where she was being flirtatious to a local musician . Brilliant. I have the same problem, my wife and I are 73 years old, 7years ago she told me she no longer had an interest in sex, so,it has been 7 dry years, she told me I was free to,find someone to have sexy with!! We signed for our first mortgage when she was in ICU with fourth-stage cancer. I lived with her for a year after a very contentious divorce from the mother of my children who cheated. The role only involves the two lovers and an invited therapist they consented to. Maybe when she met you she saw a very rich lifestyle that has not panned out. I agree 100%. I was her first love. No love no sex. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and shes been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. Fully. I have been a loyal affectionate hard working husband ( I would say that!) You begin to see the problem. The counselor ABSOLUTELY never touched on the subject of sex. What to Do If Your Wife No Longer Loves You - Verywell Mind For men the cost is being far more productive than hed need to be if caring only for himself and to forsake all other partners in pairing with his wife exclusively. Take what you can, now. has he? Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. The lack of interested finally scuttled her interest to find help. Damn was I a dumbass. I only basically feel good enough to have pretty good days. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy go hand in hand. When women say that theyre exhausted, men can often take it as a personal rejection without realizing that she woke up at 5 a.m.
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